My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
