So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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