Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Randomize
