Umm I'm too high to move.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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