How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Randomize
