absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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