Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
