Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
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