im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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