Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
