I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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