i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I wish there were birth control emojis
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
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