The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
