don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
