Why is your signature on my underwear?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
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What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
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Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
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