we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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