I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
