There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
