What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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