Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Randomize
