he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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