why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
