Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Randomize