I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
