the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
