she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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