so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
