a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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