i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
