whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
