i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
