I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
