ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Randomize
