He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Randomize
