help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
someone owes me an orgasm
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
