I just made out with a guy for $7.
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
