Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Randomize
