Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
