i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?