Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
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I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
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Let's have sex in an apple orchard
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.