we have officially lost it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Randomize
