She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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