i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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