for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Randomize
