If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
