They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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