Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
