Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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