You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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