upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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