my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
