someone owes me an orgasm
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
