it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
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