Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
