you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pour the whiskey from now on
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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