I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
